I lie in my bed. My stomach hurts with that familiar, hollow pain. My heart rate has accelerated. I take deep, calming breaths, willing myself to understand that I’m ok, I’m safe. I slowly start to relax, and the hope rekindles that perhaps I will sleep at a somewhat decent hour.
A train wails outside my window.
I sit up straight with a gasp, and my heart rate climbs again as I glance once more around my room and lie back again.
Just a stupid train.
What am I so scared of, I wonder yet again. I don’t really believe in monsters. I don’t really believe that someone would break into our house right now.
I guess what I’m really frightened can be boiled down to one simple word.
I’m scared to die. And I’m scared of anything that would cause me to die. And so I suddenly find myself facing irrational fears, fears that really have nothing to do with the true problem.
Trust. Trust is my true issue. I haven’t fully learned to trust, to lean on my Savior, to know that He protects me. More than that, though, my heart hasn’t fully absorbed the fact that to be absent from the body means to be present with God.
But I’m learning. Day by day, hour by hour. I’m starting to feel a bit more peace in my heart. I can walk through the hallway with the lights out at two in the morning, and I can think about death without such a huge thrill of fear. Oh, I still fear–but I’m learning to truly believe that I’m going to Heaven when I do die, and that it’s wonderful beyond words. I’m not saying that I don’t still struggle. Because I do. It’s more than likely that I will go to bed and not relax enough to sleep until an hour or two before I’m supposed to get up.
But I’m making progress. I’m learning to Be Still and Know that He is God. I’m beginning to understand the merciful, loving side of God, and fully absorb that He has these attributes, too, and not only His need for justice.
Because He is the Savior who died on the “old rugged cross” I can come “just as I am” and know that I will be received because I have “victory in Jesus” and “this world is not my home”.
I am truly so blessed, safe, protected, and loved. No matter what.
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” -1 Corinthians 15:55-57